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The Abusive Cycle

by:  Joyce Moseley Pierce

As children, we learn from our parents by watching

them.  Our hearts are filled with love for them

when they act in a way that makes us feel good.

On the other hand, we may feel hatred for them

when we they lose their tempers or get out of

control over something they haven't taken the

time to understand.

I have one friend who says he used to lie awake at

night and think about how he could kill his dad.

His dad was a strict disciplinarian and felt that

a belt on his kids' behinds was the only way to

make them behave.   He said he beat the kids

to keep them out of jail.

Know what?  None of them went to jail.  None

of them experimented with drugs.  They all

grew up to be pretty good people, but most of

them have problems finding and continuing

solid relationships. 

They might have stayed away from the illegal

stuff because they were afraid of the beating

they'd get if they didn't, but they never really

learned what it was like to live with a loving

father who showed respect to their mother or

to them.   Because of not understanding what

it takes to have a healthy relationship, they

seemed to keep choosing those that continued

to damage them.

Unfortunately, when abuse is the standard in

a child's life, they often carry that abuse into their own

homes.  Girls tend to marry their fathers, and sometimes

it takes years before they realize what they've done.

Now their children are suffering just as they did

as children.

It's a terrible thing to have the power of a parent

and use it to destroy our children.  In the process

of tearing them down with verbal and/or physical

abuse, we destroy their self esteem and put them

at a disadvantage for surviving in the world from

that point forward.

If you have a child who's constantly being told

how stupid or ugly they are, why is it a surprise

when they make bad grades or don't have the

initiative to do anything with their lives?  They've

been told they're a failure, so why should they

even bother trying?  Their parent has already

established that they can't.

If you are the kind of parent who reinforces the

good things in your child's behavior, they grow

up feeling like they can do anything.  They've had

the encouragement of a parent who tells them

they're smart, or talented, or capable of doing

anything they set their mind to.  

I remember a friend telling me about how a

youth event could have ended up being a disaster

because about 25 briskets got burned up in the

smoker.  Instead of giving up, she approached

the local barbeque business and asked if they would

cook 25 more briskets for them.  When I asked what

she would have done if they had said no, she

said, "It never occurred to me that they would."

In her mind, anything was possible, and she's a

wonderful example of a child who was encouraged

to explore and grow from the day she was born.

It is often painful to look inside ourselves and

try to figure out what makes us tick, but more often

than not, it is our relationships with our parents

that determine who we are or what we become.

If you grew up in an abusive home, break the cycle.

It can be done. 

Copyright 2005 Joyce Moseley Pierce
Joyce Moseley Pierce is a freelance writer,
publishes the Family First weekly ezine,
and pushes preparedness beyond food storage.
Visit her site, www.emersonpublications.com
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