The Family First
Newsletter
Promoting family unity one issue at a time
Vol. 10 Issue 6 - Week of February 5, 2007
ISSN: 1527-6201
©2007 - Joyce Pierce --All Rights Reserved
In this issue:
Getting Better With Age
Take Back Your Time
Avoiding the Biggest Mistakes that Moms Make
Alcoholism and Healing
Good morning!
After weeks of rain here in Houston,
I finally saw the sun and heard the birds chirping
yesterday. Hallaleujah! Watching the
news, I see that it was only 9 degrees above zero in
my home town of Kansas City, Missouri, so I
shouldn't complain.
Enjoy your week. Please forward
this issue to someone who may benefit from it!
Joyce Pierce
Getting Better With Age
Publisher Frances Lear said, “I can sit next to a man who has on his other side a gorgeous twenty-five-year-old, and he’ll talk to me, because I’m much more interesting.”
Why? Because this belief helps you feel positive about getting older and about yourself.
Think back to when you were forty years younger. Remember what you thought was important and how you spent your time. Does it seem a little immature now? Would you want to trade your maturity now for your maturity then? Why not?
Consider an analogy with computers. Thirty years ago you could do things a little faster (megahertz) but your hard drive had far less information and far fewer programs. Now you have a wealth of information and programs in your hard drive. Would you want to trade speed for hard drive data and programs?
Of course getting better with age doesn’t happen automatically. As employers say, you can have thirty years of experience or one year of experience thirty times. But if you are continually learning and growing, you have paid the price of admission and are indeed getting better with age.
Learning can come from taking classes, reading books, intelligent conversation, some radio or television programs, role models, or pursuing special interests. Even pastimes like crossword puzzles and playing bridge keep our memories and minds sharp. If we decide we value always learning, our brains seek opportunities to learn and grow just as a hungry person sees food everywhere. If we stop learning, we are telling ourselves to put our seats and trays in their upright position to prepare for our final descent.
Growth isn’t limited to intellectual learning. It also involves increased maturity. It means having more perspective on problems, being more accepting of others, and being slower to anger or criticize.
In the presidential debate when Ronald Reagan was asked about his age, he quipped, “I won’t hold my opponent’s lack of experience against him.” The remark helped people appreciate the advantages of his age and helped him win the election.
Better with age is sometimes used as a hollow phrase. It can, however, be very true. Not only do many people get better with time, in surveys older people report being happier than younger people.
Further, advances in healthcare are helping us function younger at chronologically older and older ages. Disability rates have declined 1-2% a year since the government started collecting data in 1982. Dentures used to be common by age 60 and are now become rare at any age for people who have had good dental care. Tiny digital hearing aids give much improved sound. Lasik and laser surgery to correct visual problems has become commonplace. Finally, we know a lot more about how to care for our health and have far more resources than even a decade ago.
As the Beatles put it musically, “I’ve got to admit it’s getting better–It’s getting better all the time.” Or, as Robert Browning put it, “Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be. The last of life, for which the first was made.”
Dr. Michael Brickey, The Anti-Aging Psychologist, teaches people to think, feel, look and be more youthful. He is an inspiring keynote speaker and the Oprah-featured author of Defy Aging and 52 baby steps to Grow Young. Visit
www.NotAging.com for a free report
on secrets for being more youthful and a free newsletter with practical
anti-aging tips.
Take Back Your Time
Your time. It’s yours you know. I know it may not feel like it, but it really is yours. Yes, you can give it away. It’s very easy to do that. But to take it back, now that can be a hard one!
I am always amazed at how differently people look at time. I am sure you have heard this at least a hundred times, “We all have 24 hours in the day.” But it’s true! It’s what we do with those 24 hours that can make such an incredible difference in our lives.
I love helping people get organized. It’s a passion of mine and the biggest complaint I hear is that they don’t have the time to get organized. That’s why I believe that if you want to live a more simplified, organized and productive life, you must start with the way you spend your 24 hours.
Here are a few steps for you to Take Back Your Time:
1. Buy a spiral notebook. Don’t go out and buy a Day Planner just yet. You may not even need one. Get a spiral notebook and use it for about a month. I will give you a list at the end of what kinds of things to write down in this notebook. If you find yourself not using the notebook but heading to the computer to jot some things down, you are probably the electronic organizer type. After a month, you should definitely know if you need a Day Planner or a Palm Pilot. Or, you may be completely satisfied with your spiral notebook. My number one organizing rule: Don’t do what your neighbor does. Organize according to YOUR personality.
2. Write down everything that you do throughout the day. This means the little and big things like making your kids lunches to volunteering at the school to that business meeting. This is to help you see how you fill your day, your week and your month. Are you spreading yourself to thin? This will help you find that out. You may be shocked at how much you do or you may be shocked at how much time you are wasting on the little things here and there.
3. Evaluate your list. Learning your ABC’s. Put an A next to all the things that you absolutely have to do and that ONLY you can do. Here are some possible examples: going to church, getting your haircut or volunteering at your child’s school. Now really think about this list. Volunteering at your child’s school is important, but are you doing too much of it? Are you doing all the parties yourself? Can you delegate some things and ask for help? Put a B next to the things that have to be done but that you can possibly delegate to others. Also put a B by the activities that you can possibly combine in one trip. Here are some examples: going to the grocery store every day after work, going to the post office, the dry cleaners, etc. Can someone else do this for you or can you make one afternoon your errand time and get all the errands done for that week all at once. Can one of your children, your spouse do some of the grocery shopping? Can you hire someone to clean your house? Really stop and think about the items you put a B by and see how you can so them faster or hand them off if you can.
Put a C next to the things that you can probably take off your list and not do at all. Here are some examples: Volunteers jobs – I am not saying to not volunteer. I am saying to take a look at how much of it you are doing. Can you do one volunteer job a month and basically rotate them? How about driving your kids all over town to all of their practices - Can you trade off with another parent and take turns? Can your spouse help? Those are some ideas to help get you started.
4. Some other ways to use your notebook for the month. Here are some other things you can write down in your notebook: • Grocery list – when you open a new container of something, write it down. • Family and friends’ birthdays • A daily to-do list: for work and home • Important dates to remember – appointments, deadlines
When you feel that your time is in control, then you can start tackling those areas of your home and office that are filled with clutter. Un-clutter your time first and then start to take care of the rest. Alright, are you ready? Now go Take Back Your Time!
Julie Bonner is a wife and mother of three. Her passion is helping people save their spaces; which in turn helps save their relationships, save money, and save their health.
You can get more great organizing tips at:
www.organize-your-home-and-office.com While you’re there, be sure and grab a free copy of her e-booklet “35 Tips for Saving Your Spaces”.
Julie Anne Bonner may be contacted at http://www.organize-your-home-and-office.com or juliebonner5@yahoo.com
Avoiding the Biggest Mistakes That Moms Make
Here's the #1 lesson I have learned: Motherhood is not a job, it is a relationship.
Let that sink in for a minute while I thank Judy Stadtman Tucker, founder of The Mothers Movement Online, for introducing me to this revelatory wisdom. Motherhood is not a job, it is a relationship.
Buttttttt.....you protest, I work so hard at motherhood. I used to be an employed professional. I have all these skills, talents, and I am applying them to motherhood, so why shouldn't we all view that as my profession?
I know that feeling. I have been there myself as a professional-turned-stay-at-home-Mom. You are obviously free to think that way and you'll find support for this idea from authors like Darla Shine. The now-defunct magazine Total 180! "from briefcase to diaper bag" was founded on the premise of Mom finding fulfillment in her new role as a Chief Household Officer.
The problem is that if you look at motherhood as a professional outlet, you will start to expect motherhood to deliver the same rewards that a career does: Measurable achievement; results; advancement; and a sense of identity as you live your life through that role.
Motherhood can deliver some of these feelings on a short-term basis, but it will ultimately disappoint you if that's what you are expecting from it. You can start living through your children as your "product," as their achievements become the justification and proof of your hard work. A headlong collision with disappointment and resentment is nearly inevitable, because ultimately those expectations are something that motherhood shouldn't have to deliver. Your professional mojo needs another outlet.
Look at it this way--what if we substitute "wife" for "mother" in this scenario. Imagine saying, "My husband is my top priority. I quit my job so that I can give him 100% of my attention. I feel guilty any time I am not there for him. Hey, I have lots of professional skills and now I put them into this job. Being 'Michael's wife' is the most important job I'll ever have."
That sounds blessedly unimaginable to most of us. It was the pressure to think like that that led to the rebirth of feminism in the 1960's!
The bottom line is it is not fair to our spouses or children to expect them to fulfill us and form the basis of our identity. No one can deliver that, and it is wrong to ask. We need to be able to be with our children, and away from them, managing that delicate balance of connection without suffocation. Too close and we stifle each other. Too far away and we lose our connection.
To be sure, I think that being a stay-at-home Mom is a completely valid option. I did it myself for three years. But staying at home is not a one-way street into a cul-de-sac that must define the rest of your life. While you are staying at home you absolutely need an outlet for your professional and creative mojo; something to keep those embers alive to rekindle later. Even if you are in love with being at home with your little ones, please don't burn your bridges to the rest of the world. Maintain your professional skills and contacts. You never know when you will need, or want, to go back to work. In the meantime, I urge you to commit to enjoying and cherishing the relationships with your family, but resist the temptation to lose yourself in them.
I appreciate the wisdom of Kahlil Gibran's thoughts from The Prophet "On Marriage" which speaks of the separateness we need to maintain in all healthy relationships:
"But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."
About Amy Tiemann: Before becoming a mom, Amy Tiemann earned her Ph.D. in Neurosciences from Stanford University. Today, her work helps women regain their "mojo" when entering motherhood. Often times, women lose themselves when baby is born. Getting in touch with your true 'self' while raising your baby is not only possible, it's being done in "Mojo Mom Circles" around the country. See why women are joining the revolution and downloading their own "Mojo Mom Party Kits"
www.MojoMom.com . Contact Amy at
Amy@mojomom.com Amy Tiemann may be contacted at http://www.MojoMom.com or amy@mojomom.com
Two things were immediately apparent in my first session with Jeffrey. First, he had completely abandoned himself, making others responsible for his self-worth. Due to his unwillingness to take responsibility for his own feelings, he was constantly pulling others for approval with his “niceness.” His inauthentic saccharine niceness felt like sticky glue trying to ooze its way into having control over getting others’ approval. Needless to say, it was not working for him.
Second, he had no spiritual connection, no Source to turn to for love, comfort and guidance. As anyone who has attended AA knows, being able to turn to a spiritual Source is essential for healing. The support of the people within the program can help sustain abstinence, but true healing comes from the inner spiritual connection.
No one had ever confronted Jeffrey with how much they were put off by his controlling niceness. They would just go away, leaving him to wonder what he had done wrong. At first, when the Intensive participants told Jeffrey about feeling pulled at for approval, he felt hurt. But within the loving energy of the Intensive, he was soon able to open to learning about the gift they were offering him. He was able to see that, because he was abandoning himself by ignoring his feelings and judging himself, he was handing others responsibility for his feelings of worth.
Once Jeffrey opened to how alone he felt inside when he abandoned himself, he was able to move into compassion rather than judgment for his feelings. As his heart open to compassion for himself, he began to feel the love that is always within and around us – the love that is our Source.
As a result of learning and practicing the 6-Step Inner Bonding process and connecting with himself and his spiritual Guidance, Jeffrey no longer wanted to drink. The alcohol was filling up the inner emptiness caused by his self-abandonment and disconnection from his Source. He left the Intensive with no desire to drink. Jeffrey has been alcohol-free for many years now.
Rachael had been struggling with her alcoholism for 19 years before attending an Inner Bonding Intensive. While she had a strong belief in God, she had never felt a deep and personal connection with God. Like Jeffrey, she had used alcohol to fill the emptiness and avoid the pain that came from her own self-abandonment and disconnection from her Source. Rachael was constantly judging herself as inadequate. Until the Intensive, she had believed that her pain was being caused by others’ behavior towards her – others’ judgments of her. At the Intensive, she discovered that she was not a victim – that her pain was being caused by ignoring her feelings and judging herself, as well as by not speaking up for herself with her husband and family. As Rachael learned and practiced the Inner Bonding process, she started to attend to her own feelings and make the connection between her pain and her self-judgments. She also started speaking up for herself. As she opened her heart to her Source, to her feelings, and to the beautiful essence within her, she discovered a joy that she had never felt in her life. The inner emptiness and anxiety that had been her constant companions were gone. Gone too was her desire to drink. Addictions are caused by self-abandonment – by ignoring your feelings, by judging yourself, and by closing your heart to your Source. They can be healed.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. may be contacted at http://www.innerbonding.com or margaret@innerbonding.com
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by Michael Brickey, Ph.D.
by Amy Tiemann
Alcoholism and Healing
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Jeffrey showed up at one of my 5-Day Inner Bonding Intensives to deal with his alcoholism and resulting relationship problems. His past two marriages had ended in messy divorces. His business was falling apart. Yet in the face of all of this, Jeffrey could not or would not stop drinking.
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