A Short Pencil is Better Than A Long Memory
by:  Joyce Moseley Pierce

Importance of Record Keeping

Toward the end of my grandfather’s life I asked him to write his life history. He couldn’t imagine why I wanted it, but he did it for me anyway, using any scrap of paper available at the time! When he felt like he had written everything he wanted to share, he handed it over to me and I spent the next few months organizing it. For Christmas that year, I presented it to him in a binder. I don’t think there’s anything that could have meant more to him. In time, a slight oil residue was evident on the paper where he had held and turned the pages with his fingers. While it was intended as a gift for him, it is now a priceless treasure to me. From time to time I pull it out and read it again, touching those stains and feeling that he’s right there with me.

At an early age I started recording my own thoughts in a journal. I used it to record my activities as well as thoughts and dreams. It is amazing how putting thoughts on paper helps to see it more clearly. I think we all have a need to be remembered. I wanted to make sure my descendants would feel a connection to me through my words even if I were unable to be there with them. At one point I wrote my own personal history, offering my thoughts on childhood, school-age experiences, marriage, parenting, and anything else that seemed important at the time. It was a great relief to record it and no longer feel the need to remember the information.

I’m a great believer in keeping records. A few years ago, I divided up the family photos and made albums for each of our children. As soon as the albums were finished, I gave them to each child so they could share their childhoods with their own families. I keep a notebook for myself and for my husband that contains documents that have meaning for us – baptismal certificates, professional recognition, civic activities, and letters that are priceless.

I’m also the self-elected family historian and I record the births, marriages and deaths of our extended family. When I receive the announcement in writing, I’m especially grateful because I feel like it’s more accurate than trusting the information verbally. Putting things in writing just seems to make it official. Some things just need to be written so there will be no confusion about them when the parties involved are not there to clarify the details for themselves.

Facing My Own Mortality

While I was busy raising my children and living my life, I was hit with the loss of three loved ones that changed my life and enlarged my focus.

My father passed away suddenly at the young age of 51; he had a heart attack with absolutely no warning. He was alive when I started cooking breakfast and had died before I cleaned the dishes off the table. It took a full day to pull the family together from different states and then we only had two days to plan the funeral. He had done nothing to plan for his death, and if it hadn’t been for a kind uncle with an extra grave site, I don’t know what we would have done. Over the next 10 years, my sister and I lost both of our beloved grandparents. There were no aunts and uncles to help out because our father was their only child. It’s not an easy task to plan a funeral for someone you love but it sure helps if they’ve given you some direction ahead of time!

My grandparents had pre-planned their funerals years before and I remember even as a child when we drove by the cemetery they would say, “That’s where we’re going to be buried. We bought lots close to the road so we can hear the traffic.” Then they’d laugh. We thought they were kind of silly about it, but Grandpa had been a traveling salesman most of his life and the two of them loved to travel, so it seemed fitting that they wanted to be close to the road, even in death. Because of the healthy attitude they had toward their own deaths, we were able to use their funerals as a celebration of life, and the fact that they had pre-arranged their own funerals allowed us to grieve without the additional burden of trying to figure out what they would have wanted us to do.

You’d think that after seeing the difference it made to have arrangements made, I would start thinking about putting my affairs in order. Still, I didn’t do anything until I read a story about a young mother whose husband was killed by a drunk driver while taking their children to school. Her story hit me like a ton of bricks and made me face my own mortality. Death is not reserved for the elderly. While I hadn’t lost many friends my age, this woman’s story made me wake up and take action. I moved through my files like a woman on a mission and didn’t stop until I felt like I was finished.

Getting Started

I was what some refer to as the “financial partner” in my marriage – managing the checkbook, paying the bills, handling insurance, and any other paperwork that came through our house. My husband was definitely the “non-financial partner,” busy with his career, and glad to stay out of my way and let me manage everything at home! I knew if I were going to protect him and my children, I would need to document everything in detail.

The steps I took should be helpful to you:

1. Gather and organize your information. For some this is as simple as pulling the files from a cabinet. For others, it might mean going through boxes and drawers to find documents that are scattered throughout the house.
2. Review the information to be sure it’s still correct. Visit with your attorney, your life insurance agent, or your financial advisor if necessary. Make sure beneficiaries are correct. If documents are in a safe deposit box, write down the name and location of the bank, as well as who has access and where the keys are located. I personally recommend that documents be kept at home in a fireproof safe so they’re available when you need them. The banks are closed most of the weekend, and you don’t want to have to wait until Monday if death occurs on Saturday morning.
3. Record the information in pencil. A short pencil is better than a long memory! Better to have the ability to erase and change the information than have to keep scratching through it with a pen.
4. Keep the copies of the documents in the same notebook or folder with the information you’ve recorded. There is no sense in making your family search for any of it. I have my information in a huge 3-ring binder filled with page protectors to hold each document, with the completed copy of my details tucked into the front pocket.
5. Tell your family what you’ve done and schedule a time to sit down and review it with them. This is a great opportunity to gather your loved ones together and explain what you want and why. If you’re an organ donor, tell them why you feel strongly about it. If there are special pieces of china or artwork, now is the time to tell them how you want them distributed. Sitting down with them now will also alleviate problems when they have to divide your belongings later.
6. Put the information in a safe place and let your family know where that is. Again, don’t make them search the house for it. If you’ve chosen to use a fireproof safe, tell them where you’ve hidden it. Maybe it’s in the bedroom closet, or under your desk.
7. Put a note on your calendar to review it quarterly. Information changes. This is where you’ll be glad you recorded it in pencil.

Communicate With Your Family

I pull my information out regularly to review it. When I’m leaving on a trip, I call the daughter who lives here in town, and remind her where she will find the binder. She hates the phone call but I tell her that the day will come when she will need it and then she will be glad I’ve taken the time to tell her all she’ll need to know.
Over 90% of survivors are not fully prepared for an untimely death. If you are fortunate enough to have some direction from the deceased, there is less chance that you will be taken advantage of by those who prey upon the survivors. This extends beyond the funeral home and cemetery to those who may have ideas for how you should spend or invest your inheritance.

The majority of people haven’t gone through any process at all to record their information. They may have pre-planned their funeral, but not recorded insurance details, or even given instruction on how their spouse could obtain the funds to continue their current lifestyle if their income were to end. Let's assume they think it will be a wonderful surprise for their spouse to learn about an unknown life insurance policy. The very sad fact is that an estimated 25% of all life insurance policies go unclaimed because the beneficiary is unaware that the policy ever existed. So, don’t keep any secrets. Let your spouse, or a trustworthy child, know what you have and where to find it.

Why Don’t We Prepare?

The lack of preparation is certainly not because people don’t love their families. It’s mostly because they just don’t like to face the idea of their own mortality.

Death is a part of life and you might as well accept it. One day you will experience it. Not doing anything at all to prepare your family is selfish. You’ve spent your life taking care of them, so why would you neglect to give them this important information when they need you the most? It just doesn’t make sense.

There are about a hundred things that must be done by the survivor. The interesting thing is that about fifty of them can be done right now. In addition to planning for “after” your life, it’s important to have an advance directive and medical power of attorney. With the recent interest in “right to life” we’ve all been made more aware of the need to have the documents so family and doctors know exactly what measures you want to be taken to sustain life. In addition, if you want to be an organ donor, or if you’re interested in donating your body to science, do the research now and let your family know so when death occurs they won’t waste time discussing what to do.

If you ask a dying man what his greatest regret is, what do you think he would say? “I wish I’d made more money,” or “I wish I’d have been more successful.” At this point when money means absolutely nothing, most people would say, “I wish I would have spent more time with my family.” Most of us spend our lives trying to be successful, not realizing that the greatest success we can have is within the four walls of our home. We’ve all made mistakes raising our children, but as long as there is life, we have an opportunity to show them we love them. Documenting your wishes and giving them a plan for continuing life without you is an invaluable gift. At a time when they need you more than ever, they will be grateful you loved them enough to continue to protect and guide them, even in death. I like to tell my kids that this is one time where I get the final word!

Copyright 2005.  Joyce Moseley Pierce is the owner of Emerson Publications, creator of All They’ll Need to Know, a freelance writer and ezine publisher.  This article was originally printed in the CSA Journal 28 in 2005.  Visit her website to learn more http://www.emersonpublications.com