The Family First Newsletter
Promoting family unity one issue at a time
Vol. 9 Issue 29 - Week of August 7, 2006
ISSN: 1527-6201
©2006 - Joyce Pierce --All Rights Reserved


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In this issue:

Healthy Eating on a Budget
Battling "Back to School" Budget Blues
Developing Independence In Our Children
Negotiation Strategies Especially for Couples

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Good morning!

I'm looking over my computer at the Wasatch Mountains in Park City,
Utah this morning. We're enjoying the drop in temperature from the
heat and humidity of Houston!

Enjoy your week and what's left of summer.

Joyce Pierce

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Healthy Eating on a Budget
by: Bev Grey

Do you have a problem serving healthy foods for your family because
you feel that they are more expensive? Here are some ways you can
improve your family's health without ruining your budget:

-Eliminate junk food. You may have to do your grocery shopping
alone, since children (and sometimes spouses!) are often the ones
who request the junk foods. A trip to my local supermarket showed
these prices for typical junk foods and beverages:

-Case of name brand soft drinks – $5.99 -20 ounce bag of potato
chips - $4.19 -Box of snack cakes - $1.99 -Package of 8 toaster-
tarts $2.39 (each one contains 20 grams of sugar) -Package of
chocolate chip cookies - $3.59 -Half-gallon of ice cream - $3.99 -
Box of pre-sweetened cereal - $3.19 -8 juice boxes - $2.94 (each
contains 26 grams of sugar) -1 box of 12 glazed doughnuts - $3.99

The total amount for the above items was $ 32.26

Replace the items above with:

-Water or skim milk instead of soft drinks. (You can still enjoy
your favorite beverage when you go out to a sporting event, movie,
etc. Just stick with the smallest size to save money AND calories! )
Children AND adults need milk or milk products every day. Milk also
helps fill you up and provides needed calcium for strong bones and
healthy teeth.

-Buy whole fruit instead of potato chips, cookies, doughnuts or
snack cakes. One large banana equals 2 servings; 1 pound of grapes
equals several servings; other fruit should be purchased in season
in your area. Apples are less expensive in the fall. If you live in
the south, oranges, lemons and grapefruit may be plentiful in your
area, so use lots of them. Melons are usually less expensive in the
summer months.

-Limit fruit juice to ½ cup per day. Instead of juice boxes or
bottles, look for natural juice in half gallon cartons or bottles.
If your kids want to drink their juice from individual serving
bottles, buy your own plastic bottles and straws at the dollar store
and wash them out at night.

-Buy fruits in quantity when they are in season and freeze extras.
When strawberries and blueberries are plentiful in my area, I always
buy several pounds and freeze in plastic zipper bags. Wash the fruit
well; remove any spoiled pieces, dry thoroughly on paper towels, and
freeze. Be sure to squeeze as much air out of the bag as possible to
prevent freezer burn. You can also purchase frozen fruits out-of-
season. Just check the labels to make sure they were not dowsed in
sugar prior to freezing.

-Look for pick-your-own farms that allow you to pick your own fruit
for less. Take the whole family and enjoy some fresh air and
exercise!

-Eat yogurt instead of ice cream for snacks. I know that Wal-Mart,
Target, K-Mart and Kroger superstores frequently have low prices for
yogurt. Stock up with enough to last several days. To save even
more, buy large cartons of plain yogurt and add your own fresh
fruit.

-Skip the pre-sweetened cereal and replace with oatmeal or other hot
cereal. A large box of 1-minute oatmeal contains 30 servings and
costs $ 1.99 for the generic kind (oatmeal is oatmeal!). Each
serving contains 4 grams of fiber. Add fresh/frozen fruit or a
teaspoon of natural jelly (100% fruit) for sweetener.

-Buy fresh vegetables in season, grow your own (tomatoes can be
grown in pots on the patio if you don't have a yard or garden), or
purchase frozen vegetables. Vegetables are frozen at the peak of
ripeness and contain as many vitamins and minerals as fresh. Instead
of using rich sauces, steam your veggies and season with fresh herbs—
which you can also grow easily in pots on your window sill or patio.
Stock up on frozen vegetables when your grocery has a sale.

-Meats and beans are good sources of protein. Lean meats are more
expensive than meats with lots of fat, but still substantially less
expensive than paying high medical bills incurred from consuming a
high fat, less nutritive diet. Here are other ways to save on
protein foods:

-Watch your portion sizes. Even an adult male, 35 years old who
exercises more than 1 hour a day (in addition to regular routine)
only needs 7 ounces of meat or beans a day spread over 3 meals. Cook
only enough of those foods to give everyone the recommended amount.
For a family of 5, 1 pound of ground chuck would be enough to give
Dad 4 ounces, Mom 3 ounces, a 10 year old boy and 8 year old twin
girls 3 ounces each. Those are the serving sizes recommended by the
new USDA guidelines. (A 3-ounce portion of meat is about the size of
a deck of cards.)

-Skip the bacon. Bacon is expensive, very high in fat, and offers
little or no nutritional value.

-Use beans frequently as a meat substitute. There are many
varieties, they can be prepared in a crock-pot so that dinner is
ready when you get home, and they contain lots of fiber to improve
regularity. The USDA recommends eating beans 4 times per week. If
you have a problem with gas after eating beans, try washing them,
covering with water, bringing water to a boil, then draining off
water and refilling pot. You can also use Beano—a natural plant
enzyme—if you have problems with gas.

-If you live in a coastal area or an area near fresh-water lakes
where fish is plentiful, make that a staple in your diet.

-Purchase chicken or turkey on sale and freeze. Again, be aware of
healthful portion sizes. Some chicken breasts are large enough for 2-
3 servings. Don't cook more than you need.

-Peanut butter is inexpensive and popular with almost everyone. Use
it for sandwiches instead of hot dogs or lunch meat, and buy natural
peanut butter if it is available in your area. It does need to be
refrigerated, since the oil rises to the top at room temperature,
but it does not contain the unhealthy partially-hydrogenated fats
that are in other peanut butters.

-Fill up with foods that have a high water content. Salad greens,
watermelon, and sugar free gelatin are some good examples. Serve a
green salad at the beginning of each dinner, topped with a small
amount of low-calorie dressing, vinegar and oil, or a squeeze of
lemon juice.

-Whole wheat bread is normally more expensive than white bread, but
since white bread usually has little, if any fiber or nutritional
value, it is worth the extra money. If you have a bakery outlet
nearby, stock up on day-old bread and freeze. I live near a Wonder
Bread outlet store, and a loaf of whole wheat bread costs $ .99. If
your family doesn't like the course texture of most whole wheat
breads, try different brands until you find one you find acceptable.
Make sure they label says 100% whole grain and lists the first
ingredient as whole wheat flour.

-If you live in a small town or rural area and do not have a large
supermarket or discount grocery nearby, consider making a trip once
a month to a larger town to stock up on lower-priced non-perishable
foods.

Here's to your health!

info@grandmashealthykidsclub.com
Author's URL: http://www.grandmashealthykidsclub.com
Bev Grey is author of the new book "The Project", and founder of
Grandma's Healthy Kids Club, an in-home program to help children
lose weight safely or just improve their eating and exercise habits.

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Battling "Back to School" Budget Blues
by: Amy Bergin

When the grocery store starts selling lunch boxes and school
supplies, you know that the summer break days are numbered…

I can remember from my own school days the feeling of confidence and
anticipation that came from going off to meet my new teacher and
classmates with a new backpack, lunch box, clothes and shoes. And
now that I am a parent, I want to pass on these same feelings to my
kids but without breaking the bank. Costs associated with back to
school expenses can be crippling for families if you spend before
doing a little studying of your own!

So, as the lazy summer routines give way to more structure every
August, this is when spending skills are tested for most families.
Any change in routine can cause stress on the family spender and if
left unprepared you may find spending can get out of control and
leave you with the same old feeling of frustration. So, below are
some tips to help make the shift go smoothly and with as little
impact to the checkbook as possible:

1)A little planning goes a long way. Before shopping for anything
related to getting ready for school, spend some time with your kids
discussing what is needed and when it is needed. This will give you
an idea of the overall cost involved so you can plan accordingly. In
about 3 weeks, revisit the list of things you classify as "Need
Later" to see if you really need them. Get a sturdy clipboard and
use the worksheet located on my website as a guide for each child.

2)Each child will have different needs since each grade has
different supplies, clothing trends and lunch considerations. Check
the school website for more information such as a grade appropriate
supply list before shopping. Most kids can get by in the first few
days with the basics, and then fill in the rest of the supplies
after your student has met the teacher and knows what is expected.

3)Shop for categories of items separately to enable tracking your
spending. If you lump all the shopping into one big trip for all
your kids, it is much easier to loose track of your spending goals.
For example, shop for all the lunch supplies on one trip and the
next trip shop for the clothes, etc.

4)If you have more than one child to outfit for school, take
advantage of sales for multiple purchases. For example, buy one get
one free shoes, snacks and drinks. For the most savings, combine a
store coupon with an offer like this.

5)Delay some of your purchases until after school starts. While
there are lots of great back to school sales before school starts,
try to hold off since often you will see even deeper discounts when
overstocked inventory must go in a few weeks. Also, your child may
change their mind about what they need based on seeing what the
trends are at school.

6)Use the internet to find store coupons and online coupon codes
that are not available anywhere else. For example,
www.alexscoupons.com lists a huge variety of coupons and by spending
a few minutes surfing before shopping you can yield big savings.

Remember there will be other expenses incurred as you get into the
school year, such as after school activities, school events, and
gifts so if you plan ahead, you will be in a better position to
manage the financial impact.

abergin@thecouponizer.com
Author's URL: http://www.thecouponizer.com
Amy Bergin, mother of three children, developed THE COUPONIZER®. A
must have organizing tool for any family who strives to make the
most of their hard earned money. Selected as part of QVC's 2005
Decade of Discoveries Product Search Tour. Amy's QVC debut was a
SELL OUT! To find out more visit her website www.thecouponizer.com

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Developing Independence In Our Children
by: Russell Turner

Few things about raising my children scare me more than balancing
the need for security in today's world and teaching them to grow up
to be independent women. Independence is a vital and exciting part
of growing up. Allowing them to develop pride in their competence,
experiencing challenges and surviving, experimenting with risks and
their own way of doing things all help them gain more control over
what happens to them. These are all essential if our children are to
grow up to become independent responsible adults. It is critical
that our children have new freedoms and responsibilities, as and
when they are ready to cope with them.

The problem is the outside world has become a very dangerous place.
We, as parents are naturally concerned about giving our children
greater freedom to play and travel without adult supervision.
Because of these very real dangers, instead of encouraging our
children to go off on their own and experiment, giving out
responsibility and freedom gradually, we supervise, chaperone,
contain, and watch them like hawks. Fear of things like traffic
accidents and molestation mean we drive our kids to school and
friends' houses. We sometimes discourage them from playing in the
front yard never mind the street or the park down the block.

When our children are safely indoors, it frees us from worry and
gives us a wonderful feeling of relief. To add virtue to our self-
interest, we tell ourselves it is in the best interest of our
children. When that child has diabetes, it's just one less time that
our child, and their condition, is out of our direct control. But we
have to ask ourselves, is it really in the best interest of our
children? Might we be losing a proper sense of balance between
security and independence? When we issue constant reminders of
the "dangers of strangers" we get in the way of our children's
willingness and ability to go places by themselves, even when it's a
place we are willing to let them go.

We often give our children mixed messages about how capable they are
or should be. We sometimes do it backwards. When they are little we
give them lots of independence and choices about things that may
give them too much control over what they would like to do. This
gives them a fair amount of power before they really know how to
manage it. Now I'm sure this doesn't pertain to your household so
take a look at some of your friends. You watch how their toddlers
act and wonder who's running the asylum. Now when our children
approach and reach adolescence, a time when they need to feel
confident and be taking back some of that control, we tell them it's
a mean cruel world out there. This in effect tells them that they
can't be trusted at a time in their lives when that's just what we
should be doing.

The single best way to acquire the skills needed for independence
and coping is through experience. Experience also builds common
sense and lessens fear. For example, if we walked more with our
children when they were young by the time they reached adolescence
they would have developed "road sense" and a healthy attitude toward
traffic. If we are out and about more with our children when they
are young they would develop a better sense of what is normal and
what is strange behavior and be able to react more confidently and
sensibly. Allowing ourselves and our children to confront these
situations in a controlled manner keeps them in proportion. Not
confronting them only makes them scarier. Staying indoors and riding
in a car are not the best way to acquire life skills.

Balancing Rights and Responsibilities Independence is all about
gaining self-reliance and responsibility. When we give our children
more responsibility, we should also add more rights to go along with
it so they learn that both are part of growing up and can be proud
that it's happening. Any time we give our children more rights, we
should also add more responsibility to balance everything out. It
will help them from becoming self-centered. A good time to add these
might be birthdays or other events that acknowledge their increasing
maturity. This way, responsibilities are not resented, but accepted
with pride as signs of growing up. Getting started doing this is
fairly easy. Make a list of tasks you think they can be responsible
for. Feeding the dog, doing the dishes, or whatever you think is
appropriate for their age. Balance these new responsibilities with
new rights. A later bedtime, more allowance, whatever you think is
fair. Then step back and give them the opportunity to accomplish
their task. Don't make approval conditional on success especially
early on. The old college try is often a great teacher. Don't hover
over them while they are doing it. Leave them to their task as a
sign of trust. Don't have too high expectations. And finally, let
go! Gradually step back and allow them to increase their
independence.

This whole concept may take a little while for everyone to master,
our children and us. However, Independence is a critical life skill
for our children. It is our responsibility to teach it to them. Our
right for accepting this responsibility is to spoil our
grandchildren.

Russell Turner, USA info@mychildhasdiabetes.com
http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com Russell Turner is the father of a
10 year old diabetic daughter. After she was diagnosed he soon
discovered he could find all sorts of medical information on the
internet. What he couldn't find was how to prepare his child and
family for living with this disease. He started his own website for
parents of newly diagnosed diabetic children
http://www.mychildhasdiabetes.com

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Negotiation Strategies Especially for Couples
By: Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson

These guidelines will help you avoid the three most common
negotiating mistakes couples make: 1) Failure to prepare before the
negotiation with your partner; 2) Caving in too quickly to avoid
tension or to keep the peace; and 3) Stubbornly pushing too hard for
your own solution.

Why Learn to Negotiate with your Partner?
Conflict is inevitable for growth in your relationship. Many people
are frightened of conflict because they can't negotiate. Once you
learn to negotiate you won't be so afraid of conflict. Good
negotiation leads to acceptable solutions that work for both of you
and will strengthen your relationship. Your communication skills
automatically improve as you develop good negotiating skills.

The Difference Between Negotiation For Couples and Other
Negotiations
Negotiation with your partner can feel especially risky, because the
amount of emotional self disclosure required is much higher for
couples than in business. Also, the result may have life-altering
consequences (like negotiating where to live).

Skills Required For Negotiating With Your Partner
Effective negotiation for complex problems requires lots of openness
about yourself, curiosity about your partner's issues and emotional
risk. It also takes listening really well!

Some Things Cannot Be Negotiated
Core values, integrity, spirituality, feelings, attitudes and trust
can not be negotiated. Do your best to separate interests and
concerns from values. You can negotiate your interests but not your
core values or integrity. For example, it doesn't work to say, "I'll
give up my spiritual beliefs for you."

The Only Things You Can Really Negotiate Are Behavior And Decisions
You can negotiate what action someone will take and when they will
do it, or you can negotiate a solution to a problem of disagreement.

How To Prepare To Negotiate
Ask yourself how you aspire to be during the negotiation. For
example, calm, open, flexible, honest, understanding, curious. By
following the guidelines you set for yourself, you will more easily
focus on a successful outcome. This is an often overlooked aspect of
negotiation. Staying conscious of your own guidelines will help keep
you centered and focused. Write your guidelines on a piece of paper
and keep glancing at them during the negotiation. You will come
across like an experienced negotiator simply by staying consistent
with your own guidelines.

Before you start the negotiation, quietly reflect on the following
questions:

What do I want? Why do I want it and why is it important?
How important is this to me?
To get what I want, what will I need to do and what will my partner
need to do?
If I get most of what I want what is the positive and negative
effect on my partner?
How can I make it easier for my partner to say yes?
However, it may be difficult for my partner to give me most of what
I want because
_________________________________________________________________.
I may be able to increase the benefits to my partner by
_________________________.
I may be able to decrease the downside to my partner by
______________________.
Add other relevant information that has not been suggested here.

You don't need to answer every question and complete every statement
sequentially in a dialogue with your partner. But as you get
mentally clear about these issues it will make it easier to
conversationally express your concerns and desires.

Start By Stating the Area of Disagreement
It is important to describe the issue as disagreement instead of as
a problem. It is very difficult to say "The problem is ___________"
without blaming your partner or yourself. This actual or implied
blame leads to a defensive reaction from one or both parties. The
negotiation then begins to slip like a house built on loose gravel.

State the disagreement in the form, "We seem to disagree about
_______________." Then take turns expressing what your concerns and
desires are about the disagreement.

Describe Concerns About the Subject
One person goes first and expresses all their concerns while the
other listens without rebutting or defending anything. The response
is simply to recap and check for understanding. It may also be
necessary to ask questions for clarity.

Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did it ever
occur to you that…?"

Brainstorm Solutions
After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires, and
each of you feels understood, then it is time for brainstorming
solutions. Think of several possible solutions.

One partner proposes a solution
Make the suggested proposal in the following format:
Honey, what I suggest is
_______________________________________________.
This suggestion works for me because
____________________________________.
This suggestion might work for you because
_______________________________.


The Rationale For This "Formula"
It encourages being a good self advocate. Simultaneously it forces
you to consider your partner's perspective and helps prevent the
possibility of only stubbornly pushing your own desires.

The Other Partner Responds
If the partner agrees with the whole suggestion, then recap why it
works.
If the partner does not agree then start with recapping the part
that does work.
The part that does work is ________________________________.
The part that doesn't work is ______________________________.
So my alternative suggestion is ____________________________.
This suggestion works for me because _______________________.
And it might work for you because __________________________.
Add value to your offers. Keep finding ways to make it easier for
your partner to say yes.

Remember – this negotiation is only an experiment. Nobody is locked
into a permanent solution. It is only for a period of time to see
what if anything needs adjusting.

Repeat suggestions until agreement is reached.

Take Action
If action is appropriate, decide who will do what by when.
Decide for how long you will try this solution.

Evaluation
After the action phase come back and evaluate the results.
If things are fine, continue for another block of time.

Round Two, Three, Etc.
If it didn't work out as well as hoped, each person begins by
saying, "Honey, it didn't work the way I hoped, but here is what I
could have done differently." Don't start by stating what your
partner should have done differently.

Then repeat appropriate steps above.

Don't be discouraged if your first attempts at this new negotiation
strategy are awkward. This is challenging territory for most
couples. Keep trying, and you'll improve. If you'd like more help on
the subject, consider attending the weekend couples'
workshop "Coming from your Heart" to learn this approach along with
a lot of other practical, innovative material for couples. It's
definitely easier to learn when you see demonstrations and role-
plays. You'd even get to practice with a therapist helping you stay
on track. For information on workshops, visit The Couples Institute.

Good luck, and may all your disagreements lead you to more lively
collaboration.

Author's URL: www.couplesinstitute.com
For more than 20 years, Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson have
helped couples create extraordinary relationships. They are founders
and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Authors,
speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio
and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early
Morning News."

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