Dare I Ask? Do I Really Want to Know?
by Dawn Goldberg

I came home from school, and the screen door crashed behind me. My mother was sitting on the sofa, watching t.v. and smoking a cigarette. She asked, "How was school?" but before I could answer, she directed me into the kitchen to start peeling potatoes for dinner.

Mom followed and told me about her day, starting with her having to pay bills and how she was afraid Dad's paycheck wouldn't be enough to buy groceries this week. She followed that up with what today's Phil Donahue was about. She finished up by telling me that she was thinking about writing her memoirs so that my brothers and I could really get who she was.

She was drunk, and I was thirteen.

I often think about that scene and many like it as I go about in my daily life raising my own children. I think about what I hated about my parents and what I wished they had done differently. How they raised me has influenced me greatly as a parent. I just figured that if I did the opposite of what they did, I'd be okay.

And, for the most part, that strategy has worked. I don't consider my children built-in slaves; rather, we all help out around the house with chores because that's what members of a community do. My husband and I don't share our problems with our children. Sure, we told them when Chris's company closed up shop and he was without a job. But we weren't despairing of our situation, and we presented a positive front to our children. When I'm upset by something, I don't lean on my seven- and ten-year olds for support. That's what my friends and husband are for. :-)

Still, I know I'm not perfect, far from it, and I wonder what particular parenting strategies are going to cause problems for my children. Do I expect too much from them? Do I yell too much? Am I too critical? Do I let them know often enough how wonderful they are? Do I build up their self-esteem? Do I tell them how smart they are, rather than focusing on their physical appearance? Am I giving them the tools they need to grow up to be self-sufficient, independent, confident young women? Do I take enough of an active part in their day-to-day lives? Do I let them have enough free time just to be kids? Do I let them watch too many movies? Are the movies we let them watch at all inappropriate for them? Do I harp too much on grammar? Is a clean room that important?

I'll stop there as I could go on forever. Maybe I think too much about the cause and effect of every single thought, word, and action. I remember when they were little and considering every decision. "Should I let my two-year-old jump on the couch?" "No. If I'm not going to let her do it when she's seven, I'm not going to let her start now." Every second of my day as a new mother seemed to be filled with decisions such as this. So, yes, I do think everything through.

What I really want to know, though, is am I good a mother?

I've actually asked my girls this. Not in the pathetic terms of "Am I a good mother?" but in asking them if there were things I do that they wished I did differently. Neither one of them had any criticisms for me. As far as they were concerned, they didn't think I should change what I did.

I'm not sure what to think about that. Maybe they don't have the frame of reference to answer that question. Maybe they don't know enough to know what they don't like. Or maybe they do know, and they don't feel comfortable telling me. Maybe I'll have to wait until they're grown women for them to tell me, "You know, Mom, I really hated it when you ______." Of course, that's not really going to help me now, is it? Maybe I'll never know.

If my mother had asked me if there were things I wished she did differently, would I have answered truthfully? I actually don't know the answer to that. What if she asked me now? Oh, boy. That opens a whole can of worms. Of course, if I say, "Oh, Mom. You were a great mother!" she's not really going to believe it.

Maybe this isn't a question that mothers should ever ask.

Dare To Be Happy
by Yana Berlin

I recently had an interesting conversation with a good friend about the hectic pace of our busy world and the stress it produces. She complained about all the demands on her time, and said she felt like her life wasn't her own. I explained that although I'm always working long hours under tight deadlines, I immensely enjoy what I do, which makes the stress much easier to bear.

We talked for more than an hour, and it once again became very evident to me that all of us want and need different things in life. However, now matter who we are or what we do, we all need to find that "thing" that makes us not only content, but happy.

"Life by design" is an intriguing concept. We can sit there day after day and complain about what we want and how we don't have it. Or, we can do something about moving forward to turn our dreams into reality.

Of course, when you take on a new hobby, business or task, it has the potential to create more stress because now you have less time to do the things already in your life. However, the essence of being truly happy is much more important than being stressed or overworked. The sense of accomplishment not only sends adrenaline through your whole body, it inspires you to do other things that will bring you closer to the life that you always wanted.

I recently attended a writer's workshop and found myself surrounded by total strangers. To my surprise, I felt very relaxed and comfortable among a group of people I had never met before. I welcomed their opinions, I was open to their suggestions, and I connected with a lot of what they had to say. I was amazed at how great it felt to step out of my own circle into a completely different environment and be welcomed and at ease.

Two years ago, if someone had suggested that I would be interested in writing or taking a workshop on the subject, I would have laughed. Yet, as I walked out of the first class, I experienced a real feeling of inner joy. Today, I'm looking forward to the workshop as a means of expanding my horizons and connecting with people outside of my immediate circle.

My daughter recently mentioned that I've changed. My husband commented that he loves seeing me so happy. All I can say is that while I'm stressing over deadlines and the long hours that lay ahead of me each week, I feel elated. I have everything I ever wanted, and I know there is nothing that can stop me from setting my goals and achieving them.

After all these years, I finally figured out the formula for success (and happiness) -- do what you love, work hard and stay focused. The rest will take care of itself.

Who would have thought that wisdom really does come with age!

To your success.

Since launching Fabulously40.com (the only sorority for women in their prime) in March of 2006, Yana Berlin has been connecting and supporting women all over the world. She created the site as an extension of her passion for artistic expression and to provide an online environment where women can support each other with love and friendship. Yana believes that the biological, physical and emotional changes that women go through as they approach forty gives them a new edge to live their lives to the fullest. The inspiration, support and encouragement these women receive from each other on the site allows them to fulfill their dreams and achieve their goals. Join us as we embark on our journey to the best part of our lives. Membership is Free www.fabulously40.com Yana Berlin may be contacted at http://fabulously40.com or yana@fabulously40.com

All of these excuses are what keep us from our dreams. The way to discover what we are hiding from ourselves is to learn to ask the right questions. We KNOW all the answers. The problem is that we don't ask the right questions. Here are two questions you can use in almost any quandary:

"What is the BENEFIT of me not realizing my dreams?" "What am I getting out of it?"

Trust me, you ARE getting a benefit or a PAYOFF for not realizing your dreams. You must discover what it is in order to eliminate it.

One of the hidden benefits or payoffs is not having to leave our comfort zone. Even if we are unhappy where we are, we have convinced ourselves that going after what we want is more difficult and more painful and staying where we are. We may be miserable, but at least we are comfortable.

The second question is: "What am I afraid will happen if I ..................... (fill in the blank with the dream)? This encompasses the changes in lifestyle we will have to make in order to achieve our dreams. Also, what others will think. In order to have the success you want and deserve, you must answer and resolve these two simple questions.

Okay, so what do you do? First, turn off the phone, TV, stereo, and all other distractions. Then get a pen and paper and write at the top of the page: "The benefits of NOT realizing my dream are:" List a minimum of 20. If you can't ‘think' of any, then just ‘guess' and write them down. About the time you reach 10-15, you subconscious mind will take over. Write anything that comes to mind, no matter how trivial or insignificant.

Just allow your mind to wander and go where it takes you. Get as specific as possible. Very few get past this point before they have some very interesting answers come up. Now ask yourself how your fear or procrastination has served you thus far. Realize the fear is there for a specific purpose. Find the purpose and ask yourself if it still serves you to have this fear. Perhaps it is time to let go of your fear and stop procrastinating once and for all.

When you have lost the need for the fear, you will just naturally let it go (if you are ready to do so). And when you let it go, you will be free to move toward the thing you say you want----and you'll do it with ease and joy. Are you ready to stop procrastinating or are you going to put if off a little longer? The choice is yours.

In life you can only have two things - Reasons or Results -- and Reasons don't count! You either have what you want, or you have ‘reasons' why you don't have it. Procrastination is a disease. The cure is convincing yourself that it no longer serves you.

If you would like to realize you dreams and create the life you have always wanted, I invite you to take a look at my "Secret of Deliberate Creation" program. Nothing works faster or produces better results.

Looking for a better way to save money and eat healthier meals?  www.freezersmarts.com